GEOGRAPHY OF WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa :
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful! .
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe :
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash .
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain :
Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece :
Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain :
A glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60 a woman is like Israel :
Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada :
Self-preserving but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet :
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages
...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual
knowledge visit there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF MAN
Between 16 and 70, a man is like the United States of America.
Ruled by nuts!
Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a
few minutes the old man lets out a loud fart and says "one-nil."
His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
The old man says, "A goal. I'm ahead one-nil."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Goal! One all."
The old boy farts again. "Goal! I'm ahead 2-1."
Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says,
"Goal! 2 all."
The old man tries to fart again, but cannot. Trying desperately not
to be out-done by his wife, he gives it everything he has to get out
just one more fart.
He strains a little too hard and sh*ts the bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."
Father's Day Prayer...
"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in daddy's
computer. Amen."
The UPS Guy
One
Monday morning the UPS man is
driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes
he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short
by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
“Wow Bob, looks
like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the UPS man comments. Bob, in
obvious pain, replies “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I
have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples
from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.
Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing "WHO AM I?”
The UPS man thinks a moment and says, “How do you play "WHO AM I?”
“Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet
covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then
the women try to guess who it is.”
The UPS man laughs and says, “Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.”
”Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responded. “Your name came up seven
times.......”
Beer contains female hormones
Last month, National University of Lesotho
scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence
of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer
consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test
the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was
then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously
wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
Last
Fling
Also from Ted!
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last
night on the town. After a few beers they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers (Art and Gary) and whispers to
her manager, "Go up to the first bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.
These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They
won't know the difference."
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of
their business.
As they are walking home the first man says "you know, I think my girl was
dead!"
"Dead? says his friend, "why would you say that?"
"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the whole time I was loving her!"
His friend says "I think mine was a witch!"
"A witch?" says the first" "why the hell would say that?"
"Well " the first man replies "I was making love to her, kissing her neck and
when I gave her a little bite on the neck, she farted and flew out the window!"
~~~~~~
From Ted
How do you know you're living in Tennessee?
You get married for the third time and have the same in-laws.
~~~~~~
SYMPTOMS OF THE BIRD FLU...
Sent in by koz4ds!
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If
you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield!!!
~~~~~~
The Candle
Sent in by Ted!
Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the
opposite direction was Father Rafferty.
"Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two
years ago?"
She replied, "That you did, Father."
The priest asked, "And are there any little ones yet?"
"No, not yet Father," said she.
"Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."
"Thank you, Father." And away she went.
A few years later they met again. "Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father,
"how are you?"
"Oh, very well," said she.
"And tell me," he said, "Have you any little ones yet?"
"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles, ten in all."
"Now isn't that wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely husband?"
"Oh," she said, "he's gone to Rome to blow out that damn candle!"
~~~~~~
Butt Measurements
A man and his wife were working in
their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is
getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the
barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then
went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.
He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's
wrong?" he asks. ..............
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for
one little weenie?
~~~~~~
Horse Trader
Little Johnny's back!
Little John attended a horse auction with his
father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up
and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, John asked,
"Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that
they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
John, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
~~~~~~
THE BARBER AND THE MEXICAN
One day a florist goes to the barber for a haircut. After the cut he goes to pay
the barber..."I'm sorry I cannot accept the money from you. I'm doing community
service."
The florist is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you
card and one dozen roses waiting at his door.
A cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut, but
the barber replies "I'm sorry but I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service."
The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and
one dozen donuts waiting at his door.
A Mexican cook goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the
cut. But again the barber replies "I'm sorry I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service."
The Mexican cook is happy and leaves. The next morning when the barber goes to
open his shop, guess what he finds?...........
a dozen Mexicans waiting for a free haircut!!!!
~~~~~~
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite
embarrassed performing female pelvic exams.
To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously
formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam
suddenly burst out laughing and furt! her embarrassed him.
He looked up from his work and sheepishly said,
"I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was
'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
~~~~~~
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,
So, how's your breakfast this morning?"
It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly.
I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman
produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
~~~~~~
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
"How long have you been bed-ridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered ...
Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
My Wife's Arse
George was a bad loser. When he was cleaned out in a poker game for
very high stakes, he slapped his hand on the table and got up to
leave. As he walked past, he couldn't resist insulting Max McTavish,
the bald man who had cleaned him out.
As George walked past, he ran a hand over Max's bald head and said
sarcastically, "Your head feels just like my wife's arse."
Max put a hand to his head and said, "By crikey, mate. You're right.
It does!"
Woman
Workplace Hazardous materials Information System
Substance: Women
Chemical system: Wow
Manufacturer: God
Typical Size: Average weight 115 lbs; specimens can vary from 90 to
200 lbs.
Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Surface Tension - Soft and warm
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason.
6. Flavour initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common ore.
8. Yields to pressure applied at certain points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to
reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Has affinity for gold, silver and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantity of expensive substances.
3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.
4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known.
COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental.
2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.
SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION
1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.
2. Turns green when compared to better specimens.
HAZZARDS
1. May explode spontaneously without cause.
2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.
3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards
The Bisexual Son
Four men go out to play golf. One is detained in the clubhouse and the
remaining three are discussing their children while walking to the
first tee.
"My son," says one, "Has made quite a name for himself in the
home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own
design and construction firm. He's so successful that in his last year
he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, tells how his daughter began her
career as a car salesperson, but now owns a multi-line dealership.
"She's so successful, in fact, in the last six months she gave a
friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's says his son has worked his way up through a stock
brokerage firm, and in the last few weeks, has given a good friend a
large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives, they tell him that they have been
discussing their children and ask him about his son.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned
out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been in and out of work and
I've just recently discovered he's a bisexual. But, on the bright
side, he must be good at what he does because his last three lovers
have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock
certificates."
Treatment for:
